I used to think that my desires were too inappropriate.
Sometimes just downright wrong.
But through the help of a very interesting and useful blog: tall,darkanddominant I’ve been able to see that these things, my kinks, aren’t wrong. I’m getting older, experimentation with my sexuality is to be expected. My interests confused me at first. I didn’t understand why I liked these things and ultimately bashed myself for having BDSM related thoughts. I thought it was wrong. Was I some sort of rape fantasist??? Was there something wrong with me? Am I just some sick perverted confused little girl?
The answer is no, I am not. My fantasies are my own and so are my desires. I was afraid before and, like with maybe things in my life, I let society tell me what is right and what is wrong. My desires, I’ve learned, aren’t evil, aren’t “sick”, and they sure s hell aren’t wrong!
They’re beautiful. They’re unique. And they’re perfect for me.
I think that my desires fall from just who I am as a person. I’ve recently fallen back in love with the blog listed above because the writer has similar views to my own. Not only is he a Dominant male with sexual desires but also psychological desires as well. It isn’t just about the physical but also the mental. And I’ve always been obsessed with the mental. You see my dream (as I’ve stated before) is to become a Neuropsychologist. That is someone who studies the natural functions of the brain (Neurologist) with the psychological individual aspects of a person (Psychologist). And oh how BDSM ties into that so well! As a submissive female I’m not very vocal with my desires with my partner as he isn’t really Dominant. But oh how I absolutely love testing out his dominance. Because its there, at times I’ll misbehave and he’ll put me in my place. Sometimes when I’m bad he’ll spank me or pull my hair to make me listen. But it’s like flipping a switch with him.
One moment he’s normal, then he’ll slip into the role of a Dominant without even knowing it! And teasing him and testing out his kinks are the best part.
But, for the longest time (all almost a year in fact) I’ve shied away from all this. I’d originally broken things off with my Daddy (yes I call him Daddy), I shoved my desires in a box deep within my self and hid the Key. And this year was horrible because of it. I felt like I knew who I was but there was always something missing. I recently found the Key again. It was in reading through Mr.TD&D’s blog that I found what I didn’t know I’d been looking for.
Confidence in myself. A deeper love for myself than I had been previously willing to accept. I’d told myself that BDSM was wrong because my parents told me it was wrong. I told myself loving my Daddy was wrong, that I wasn’t ready for a relationship because my father told me I was wrong. I told myself that in order to make myself happy first I had to please my parents and society.
That was utterly incorrect. Today my Daddy let me drive his car. It was the first time I’d ever driven a car. It wasn’t far just from his parking spot to one a couple feet over. But still, the act was exhilarating, rebellious, and over joyous! I felt free. I felt alive. I felt like I’d taken my first real steps into adulthood. Something my parents would’ve never trusted me with but my Daddy did. He trusted me with his car. And as I parked the car, and as he kissed me in congratulations I realized this.
I was just fine.
The world DIDN’T end.
I DIDN’T crash the car.
And I DIDN’T mess up.
And in that moment I realized that I can’t allow others to choose what makes me happy.
I can’t allow myself to try to constantly make others happiness exceed my own.
And I’ve got to make my own decisions. Think things through. On my own. Not “What would dad say.” Whenever I take time to relax instead of spending all hours of the day studying. Not thinking “But that’s wrong.” When I imagine my Daddy standing over me a mischievous gleam in his eye as he teases me in various naughty ways. Because its not wrong.
It’s okay to relax
It’s okay to be naughty
It’s okay to live my life the way I see fit.
It’s okay for me to love being a submissive little kitten and to have a Daddy.
It’s okay for me to relax and take me time when I need me time.
It’s okay for me to explore myself mentally and physically.
Because I’m not a child anymore. Though I still have my child-like innocence and curiosity at times. I am not a child. I know what I want and I’m discovering who I am. And where I fit into in this crazy, beautiful, mess-up world.