Okay so I wish I looked like this. Look at her. It’s not just the fact that she’s gorgeous. It’s her eyes. She’s got such intellectual eyes and she just seems a mystery.
But I don’t look like that.
I look like this:
And in all honesty I think I’m kinda attractive. I wouldn’t say I’m not Angelia Jolie but I do still think I’m good looking. I feel like others see the way I’m trying to see me.
I’ll encourage myself to feel confident and to feel beautiful. But it’s really hard.
There is so many racist kids at my school. So whenever they see me I’m just the “black girl” to them. And I’m not even considered an “attractive black girl” because I very petit girl. I’m not super curvy or tall. I don’t have big boobs or a very large butt. I’m 16 and I’m 5’0. I’ve only grown a half inch since the 8th grade.
And I have a tendency to be very loud😳
I won’t realize it but I will just get louder and louder. And people get so annoyed with me. So they stopped talking to me. And they’ll just leave me.
So I don’t know when it started but I guess I just started believing that everyone I met would eventually leave me so I just act weird to people sometimes.
Like I’ll talk About Harry Potter, Supernatural, talk about things that make me happy.
Now none of that would be considered weird. But when I talk about it apparently it is weird and annoying so I just do it anyway. I mean people come to me for a quick laugh most of the time.
And if I just want people to leave me alone I’ll get morbid and that makes them scurry. But I know what your thinking. “Well Juli’Anna why not just act normal? Act like yourself.” Well i did that for the entire beginning of the year. And all of middle school and a little of elementary school.
I was always loud and excitable and I was always happy about everything.
But no one liked that. And they made me believe that because I wasn’t white, or thick, or perfect that I wasn’t beautiful. And sometimes it’s still hard. Most guys at my school would rather move countries than date me just because of my race. Which is so disheartening I’m surprised that I’m still sane and semi-happy.
I feel like when I’m alone and by myself I am beautiful. I am a Queen and no one can stop me.
But when ever I’m at school or just around people I just feel terrible. Ugly. Unlovable. I’ve been hurt so many times that whenever I meet someone my first reaction is to distance myself from them. Because I feel like they won’t even like me anyway.
And now that I’m older I feel like a freak.
Why am I so short?
Why am I so dark?
Why do I have such a dirty mind?
I feel ashamed whenever I have bad thoughts or whenever I touch myself. I feel like it makes me dirty.
Wow juli no one else wants you so now you have to touch yourself.
I always think that after I’ve….. well you know.
It just makes me feel pathetic. Like even if I tried my hardest I couldn’t find anyone who loved me.
It makes me feel bad about myself…..
I remember that I am beautiful.
I remember that I am not too loud are annoying be just can’t handle my awesomeness.
And whenever I express these feelings people purposely crush them.
They’ll say they like my hair or my outfit and I’ll say something like “Yeah it makes me look great.” Or “Yeah I look pretty good.” And they’ll just laugh at me or look at me with a “Uuuuuhhhhhhhh suuurrreeee keep dreaming” face.
Why do people do that?
Why would you crush some bodies confidence like that….
Is it just me?
Does this happen to others.
Am I delusional about myself?
Am I really just that unloveable and ugly to the outside world……
And if I am why is that? Why can’t I be me? Why do I have to be this:
Am I so bad?
I try to tell myself yes but the entire world keeps telling me no……