High Expectations


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That’s who I could be. 12 years of college/medical school and i could be a neurologist. Just get good grades, stay out of trouble and that’s it. I could be a doctoir. It’s simple and all part of my dads master plan full of no fun classes, hard work, and lots of discipline.

But what happens when I don’t want that anymore?

Dont get me wrong, doctors are the best. And the most amazing people ever. But am I willing to spend twelves years of my life in medical school to get there? The answer, ultimately, is no.


Isn’t how I imagined spending my life after high school. Nor do I find joy in imagining spend the best years of my life in medical school. But that’s Part of the plan. I have to become somebody important. And all my true interests and hobbies, have to stay just interests and hobbies.

That is what is expected of me. Those are my High Expectations. And I say screw them.

I wont, so far all my life rules have been shoved down my throat. When all I want is an adventure. To travel the world. That’s my one true dream. And I can’t do that as a doctor. Not four years after high school. I’ll be too busy trying to find ways to pay for medical school instead of traveling to Tokyo, Japan. Or China! India. Congo. Kenya. Israel. London. Paris.

And I can do all that with only a bachelors degree and a basic knowledge of English. So instead of this:

I want my life to be this:


Is MY life goals. Those are MY dreams. And I am no longer going to let others determine how I live my life. As well I shouldn’t. I will be and Artist and after I’ve lived my dream we’ll see about nursing but I am not committing to being a doctor.

Thats just not me.

Thoss are my new High Expectations. What’re yours?

Teen Sexuality Pt.8

Hello my lovely  Lilies!

Before I begin I just want to say that there WILL BE SEXUAL CONTENT and if you don’t want to read it just don’t click on this post.

So today I wanted to talk about everyone’s favorite subject: Teen Sexuality.

As you guys know a lot has changed with me, and even more so recently! Earlier this week a became a full fledged Witch! I initiated myself (yes, I’m a solitary witch so I can do that)  and it was very exciting! But since then the hole in my chest has only been growing larger. Ever since Linzie -who was able to be revived and is recovering- broke things off with me ;-;

*Sigh* over a misunderstanding too. Oh well….

Anyway, of late I’ve found that even though I love being alone whether it be at home, at school, or in my Craft. I find that I hate being lonely. And it’s quite plain that I am indeed lonely. I have eight siblings and quite a few friends, so don’t get me wrong. I’m not lonely in that sense, but in another…

I’m sixteen now and in only a few short months I’ll be seventeen. And I’d love to have a partner. A really partner. One that I can see everyday and not talk to over a computer screen. I know what I want in a guy. And I know what guys want in a girl. And I’m not talkin’ about the whole body thing. I mean personality wise. In my opinion I’m a pretty decent girl, ya know? Not sayin’ that I’m the greatest flower in the garden but I’m definitely not the worst either. And I just can’t understand it.

Should I just wait? I mean what I like in a guy is maturity, dominance, a little humor, and excitement. I’m not looking for Mr. Grey necessarily but I sure as hell don’t want Mr. Beige either, lol. And I know I’m just only reaching the tips of womanhood so obviously full blown sex is out of the question (for now ^-^), but still. Those are the qualities I look for in guys and recently I just can’t understand it, but I can’t do it anymore. And when I say it I don’t mean life, I mean the thing that you do after a long stimulating day on the naughty side of tumblr. That it.

I feel like that its just not the same anymore. As I’m getting older, doing things by myself seems very weird to me. At first I was ashamed of doing it, but now I just feel like….

Well its a little hard to explain. I know I don’t want to have sex, but also I don’t to do the do alone anymore, ya know?


I’d rather cuddle up with someone.

Then I’d rather flick the bean. Ya know? Mostly because afterwards I feel kinda bad because I’m still lonely. Because we all know that we fantasize about something (or someone) that they desire. And usually afterwards I kinda feel awkward because its just a fantasy. And……

I don’t know…..

Is it just me, or do other feel this way?




The World Around Us: Middle Eastern Women


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Hello my glorious Lilies! Today I’m starting a new section on the blog called The World Around Us. This’ll be where I talk about the real world. Human trafficking, Global Warming, Deforestation, Police Brutality, Worldwide problems that at the end of each blog I will try to find a solution to.

First watch the video linked below before reading  on please.



Now, ladies and gentlemen, how did that make you feel? Hm? How would you feel if American troops ransacked your neighborhoods, murdered you (men) and your sons, then raped your daughters? How would you feel if you had to live in a country the enforced dress-code and an average lifespan of 45 years? Little girls forced to marry grown men and have children? Husbands and fathers murdering their daughters for dishonoring them? Women are being murdered, girls are being raped and killed! They’re sold into human trafficking and most are sold as sex slaves and maybe less that 20% are forced into hard labor the rest of their lives.

I am appalled.

What makes me think the most is what I’ve shown you, isn’t new. This has been happening for decades for CENTURIES in the middle east. And no ones done anything about it….

What happened to human rights? Where’s CNN, FOX news, Twitter, Facebook? Why isn’t this a worldwide outcry? Why are we sending troops to Afghanistan to kill terrorists, but not to support these women; these women whose only crime, was being born? Because it would literally be the end of the world as we know it, if any of this happened in America. It would be shut down faster that you could say the words “Bitch” to a woman.

Because this is America.

And as our latest president the “Honorable” Donald John Trump stated in his inauguration speech, Americans need to put America first. So something like the rape of hundreds of thousands of girls will not be tolerated here.

But what happens when it can’t be just America first? When is someone going to say: “This needs to stop. Here and now.”? When are we as Americans going to stop being so selfish? When are feminist going to rise up in unity in concern for our sisters and daughters being tortured, raped, and slaughtered in the middle east? When is it going to stop being “Awe, that’s sad. Poor little girl who died on her wedding night to her 40 year old husband……. Hey honey look at this cool lasagna recipe!” and instead there be a nation outcry for human rights in middle eastern countries! It’s unacceptable, the conditions these women are forced to live in! And what? It’s all just okay? It’s nothing that we as Americans need to concern ourselves with just because its happening in a developing country full of black and brown people? And these are people! That could be any woman you love and care about. What if that happened to your mother? Your sister? Your wife? Your daughter? Cause honestly and truly it could be them!

Americans riot, make laws, and have other countries make laws for things like wildlife and nature and the treatment of domesticated animals before they’re sent to the slaughter house. But they wont lift a finger for this. I’m not saying that those things aren’t important. But they’re definitely not as important as the lives of these women. Their needs to be something done about this. It needs to stop, now.

I understand that it would take a lot of support from the American people, but its worth it in the end. I also understand that in doing so we’d be going against the entire middle eastern system (at least that form, since this doesn’t happen to ALL middle eastern women, but a very large majority). And that could mean war.

That could mean more troops sent out.

But we’ve gone to war for a hell of a lot less than protecting the rights of females. And isn’t what we as Americans are all about? Isn’t our countries motto:

America home of the brave and the free?


Which one of your is willing to be brave? Which one of you is willing to stand up and say something needs to change. Who will join not only me but the hundreds of others before myself who have fought for change, for the lives of hundreds of thousands of Muslim women? Who is willing to fight and struggle for the freedom of not only American women, but also women in the middle east. Who will stand and be courageous and show all the world what an American really is? Who will say: “I’m an American, my home is the land of the brave and the free. And I will fight to instill these principles, these morals, in countries other than my own. When the victims of a government where murder and savagery is not kept in check, I -an American- will answer their calls. I will stand for the basic rights that every human no matter how big or small, light or dark, should have. And I will stand for middle eastern women.” Who will say this with me. Who is brave enough, to prove that America is the greatest nation in the world. Not because we’ve advanced so far ourselves, not because we’ve changed so much ourselves, but because we’ve helped other nations advance farther and because we’ve brought change (equal or greater) to others.

That is the America that I believe in and that is the American Dream I stand for.

What about you?


How to Write a Good Book


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Hello my lovely Lilies and welcome back! And if you’re new, well then just welcome. Take a seat, make yourself comfortable, grab yourself a nice cup of tea! Today we’re going to be taking about How to Write a good book!

So you must be wondering “Juli what do you know about writing books?” Well, as a matter of fact, (Always anted to say that ^-^) I’ve written a few books myself and I’ve had some good ones and ALOT of bad ones. But that’s all part of being a writer. So I’m going to tell you the Do’s and Don’ts of writing.


1)Take your time! There’s no rush. The perfect book idea will come to you. scroll around the internet for awhile, take a walk outside, listen to music. Something is bound to come to ya.

2)Make sure you know how the story will end. I don’t care what the critics say, a story is nothing, NOTHING! Without a superior ending. You could have amazing characters, a great plot, and dazzling plot twists for days but if it all ends in “And they defeated the villain and every bodies happy. The End.”   -_-‘   Well then you’ve just wasted everyone’s day! Add a little somethin’ somethin’ to not only entertain the readers but also make them think. Something that’ll have your book coming back to their minds long after they’ve read it.

3)Add a plot twist or two. And I’m not talking some weak slight plot twist. I’M TALKIN “WHOA PROFESSIOR SNAPE WAS GOOD ALL ALONG? OH CRAP ANDREA IS BENEDETTO?!?!” <<<That is the effect you want to have.

4)YOU HAVE TO HAVE A VILLAIN! You need to establish clear antagonist from the beginning. Maybe not the first page but DEFINITLY the first chapter. In some ways the villain is more important that the main character. A dramatic and evil back story, a power that somehow surpasses the protagonists own, an upper hand, an evil sounding name. All 100% necessary for the perfect villain. Remember without a villain a hero is nothing, but without a hero a villain is everything.


1)Don’t try so hard to make everything make sense in the beginning. It’s your story, explain everything within time. Don’t just unload all the information onto your readers at once.

2)Don’t be basic. In 2017 its hard to create an original story. Especially sense it seems as if everything goods been taken. But that’s not true. Try to create something different. Do write about vampires (though I love them sadly vampires are very much overdone). When writing a new book the goal is to be as original as possible! Believe in your ideas and  you’ll do fine!

3)Don’t overdo it when making up a story an character. Your main character doesn’t need to be a super attractive mind reading, flame swallowing, aristocrat. It’s more about personality than it is talent.

4)Don’t forget the little details. They matter just as much, and maybe even more.

5)Don’t try to make everyone happy with your book. Have a specific audience in mind (kids, young adult, adult) and stick with it.

6)Last but not least don’t worry. Follow these tips and allow those creative juices to flow and you’ll do great! ❤

Roses, beauty, and Intellect


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Hello Lovely Rosies!

(Not sure how much I like calling you all “Rosies”. Been thinking about changing myself from the OakRose to the CyanLily -Lilies are my favorite- blue lilies are super beautiful.)

I’m back, I know you’ve all missed reading about the chaotic, bipolar, rollercoaster that is my life! and boy what a rollercoaster its been!


New topic this week;

Beauty and Intelligence

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So, I personally believe that teenage girls these days are completely dependent upon makeup to make them feel pretty. Not for others, but for themselves, and that is ten times worse. Because it doesn’t matter what others think as long as you love yourself, but if YOU don’t love YOURSELF then that’s a serious problem. Like psychologically that’s a mental problem. To look in the mirror everyday and the first thing most girls think its “Oh I need a concealer, or foundation.” and its fine. Its totally fine to like wearing makeup ladies its alright. But when you NEED makeup, unnecessarily, then that’s a problem. Part of loving yourself is loving your own unique face. You don’t need to look like Rebecca or Jasmine or Tiffany. You need to be happy looking like yourself. Also another thing. You may not agree but it is 100% totally definitely NOT OKAY to use makeup to completely change your facial features. Makeup is meant to enhance your natural features, not turn you into a Kardashian.

So remember ladies you’re beautiful no matter what because its not just about what’s on the outside its also about what’s on the inside that counts.

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Speaking of what’s on the inside, lets talk about the brain. It controls al of our bodily functions, its generates enough energy to power a lightbulb, and its extremely intelligent. Meaning so are you. The brain can do hundreds upon hundreds of different things. But this day and age, with literally all the world knowledge at our fingertips, we waste it. Most people will spend all day do absolutely nothing online. In fact teenagers/adults ages 16 and up have admitted to spending over 27 hours a week online! Most doing absolutely nothing at all! Now some of us use the internet for good, trying to better ourselves and the world. While most of us use the internet for Vines, Social Media, or other pointless activities that ultimately waste our time. And I’m talking about a lot of time. Americans overall spend more than ten hours A DAY online. Ten hours! That’s crazy! And why is it crazy? Because you and I both know perfectly well that not everyone is using that time to their advantage. Most just mindlessly scroll through picture after picture for hours, and hours, and HOURS. And how does that help us? As intellectual, homosapiens shouldn’t we be striving to learn more? To do more? If even if only 50% of Americans spent ten hours a day researching, inventing, or studying something that could not only contribute to themselves but our society as a whole then America would be a MUCH MUCH MUCH better place. Ignorance wouldn’t even be in the dictionary anymore because no one would be. Because with 50% of Americans using modern day technology to their advantage, they’d correct and/or teach the other 50%. Leading to much, much lower ignorance rate in the U.S. I spend my time doing three things. Trying to educate people, trying to educate myself, and listening to music. And music is very productive because it simulates brain cells 😀

So my Rosies overall the point of todays blog was to tell you all

1) You’re all wonderfully beautiful! Doesn’t matter who you are or your gender. To me your all GORGEOUS \*^*/

2) Stop wasting time! Spend more time educating yourself and using todays technological advancements to your advantage and you’ll be about 100 times more successful in life.

Until my next blog you all stay safe, have fun, and be thankful that school ends in a few weeks.



P.S. It’s definitely CyanLily now. 😀

Which makes you all Lilies! ❤

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Lilac Skies, Lilac Sunrise


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Hello darlings,

I’m back.

These last few months have been the experience of a LIFETIME for me. Bad news first I met the most amazing guy ever earlier this year and I fell in love with him. how is this bad news? Because. He had a terminal illness (a brain tumor) which has killed him. Though I believe (since I don’t have a phone and its spring break I have no way of contacting his family) that he is still in the hospital in a coma and his family hasn’t pulled the plug yet, leaving him physically alive, he is dead in every way that matters.

Linzie Gilmore III was the sweetest, kindest, and most amazing man I’ve ever met. Though he suffered through depression he always made time for me. And always gave me a smile. I love him dearly and will never forget him. But I made a promise to him and to myself. I wont grieve forever. I wont take all the joy and happiness he’s given me and bury it under all my grief and despair.

when I think back at the life we lived together I cannot find in myself to regret anything. Our love was IS real. It hasn’t died with Linzie. It still lives inside me still. Burning brighter than a thousand stars. Full of passion and life.

He loves Mediterranean food. His favorite color is blue. He loves playing Boarderlands. He doesn’t eat pork. He’s a proud Muslim African American man. He almost went to college on a athletic scholarship but his injury stole that away. Instead of being bitter, Linzie spent the best years of his life helping people by working for AmeriCorps. He didn’t do it for the money. He didn’t do it to get Kudos. He did it simply because he wanted to make the world a better place to live in for everyone. He isn’t selfish. He never pressured me to do anything I didn’t want to do. He respected my decisions and choices and always pushed me to do my best each and every day. His name is Linzie Gilmore III.

And our love doesn’t end with a flat line.


Sorry about that guys. Linzie meant a lot to me.

But now he’s in a better place.


These last few months have really changed me. The person I thought I was, maybe even the person I was going to become. Is gone now. I’m trying to forget those wrongs that’ve been dealt to me. And forgive them as well. For some cases this is easier said than done.

I’ve found that though the world can be a very dark and scary place. Its also a very beautiful perfect creation in itself. I’ve found a sort of weird love for sunrises. They’re always so beautiful.

I love the way the sky changes from black

To a combination of sapphire blue, fiery red, dazzling yellow, and pure lilac purple.

My favorite sunrises are the ones of colder, darker mornings. When, for whatever wonderful reason, the sky turns from black, to dark blue, to Lilac.

The clouds ablaze with the promise of a beautiful new day.

And the lilac skies showing us the beauty of the world that is sometimes invisible to us.

I love the Lilac Sunrise because most of all,

It reminds me of Linzie.

My Future Life


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Okay admit it. It would be amazing to live in a home like this. 

To be spoiled like this! It’d take hard work to maintain and keep but gosh it’d be worth it! 

I’d love to have this I really would…..


It’s not what I really want. Sure it’d be nice. A nice big house for a nice big family. But I feel like after a while the glamor would wear off very quickly. 

This is the home I really REALLY want. I’d like to live in Washington State. Just outside the city. Close enough so that I can get to the city quickly but far enough so that I can live in blissful privacy with my boyfriend Linzie. (Yes I’ve gotten a boyfriend im soooo happy☺️)

We could start a little family there and it would be so fun and amazing. It’d be a dream come true. It’s a simple, nice house. I know it’s nothing extravagant or fancy but thats what à want. Along with a few kids😍😍😍😍😍

Most girls want a mansions (which there’s nothing wrong with) in the city with ocean views. 

I just want a happy little family😌

And it wouldn’t hurt to get this view:

Teen Sexuality pt. 7


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Okay so I wish I looked like this. Look at her. It’s not just the fact that she’s gorgeous. It’s her eyes. She’s got such intellectual eyes and she just seems a mystery. 
But I don’t look like that. 

I look like this:

And in all honesty I think I’m kinda attractive. I wouldn’t say I’m not Angelia Jolie but I do still think I’m good looking. I feel like others see the way I’m trying to see me. 

I’ll encourage myself to feel confident and to feel beautiful. But it’s really hard. 

There is so many racist kids at my school. So whenever they see me I’m just the “black girl” to them. And I’m not even considered an “attractive black girl” because I very petit girl. I’m not super curvy or tall. I don’t have big boobs or a very large butt. I’m 16 and I’m 5’0. I’ve only grown a half inch since the 8th grade. 

And I have a tendency to be very loud😳

I won’t realize it but I will just get louder and louder. And people get so annoyed with me. So they stopped talking to me. And they’ll just leave me. 

So I don’t know when it started but I guess I just started believing that everyone I met would eventually leave me so I just act weird to people sometimes. 

Like I’ll talk About Harry Potter, Supernatural, talk about things that make me happy. 

Now none of that would be considered weird. But when I talk about it apparently it is weird and annoying so I just do it anyway. I mean people come to me for a quick laugh most of the time. 

And if I just want people to leave me alone I’ll get morbid and that makes them scurry. But I know what your thinking. “Well Juli’Anna why not just act normal? Act like yourself.” Well i did that for the entire beginning of the year. And all of middle school and a little of elementary school. 

I was always loud and excitable and I was always happy about everything. 

But no one liked that. And they made me believe that because I wasn’t white, or thick, or perfect that I wasn’t beautiful. And sometimes it’s still hard. Most guys at my school would rather move countries than date me just because of my race. Which is so disheartening I’m surprised that I’m still sane and semi-happy. 

I feel like when I’m alone and by myself I am beautiful. I am a Queen and no one can stop me. 

But when ever I’m at school or just around people I just feel terrible. Ugly. Unlovable. I’ve been hurt so many times that whenever I meet someone my first reaction is to distance myself from them. Because I feel like they won’t even like me anyway. 

And now that I’m older I feel like a freak. 

Why am I so short?

Why am I so dark?

Why do I have such a dirty mind?

I feel ashamed whenever I have bad thoughts or whenever I touch myself. I feel like it makes me dirty. 

Wow juli no one else wants you so now you have to touch yourself. 

I always think that after I’ve….. well you know. 

It just makes me feel pathetic. Like even if I tried my hardest I couldn’t find anyone who loved me. 

It makes me feel bad about myself…..

But then 

I remember that I am beautiful. 

I remember that I am not too loud are annoying be just can’t handle my awesomeness. 

And whenever I express these feelings people purposely crush them. 

They’ll say they like my hair or my outfit and I’ll say something like “Yeah it makes me look great.” Or “Yeah I look pretty good.” And they’ll just laugh at me or look at me with a “Uuuuuhhhhhhhh suuurrreeee keep dreaming” face.

Why do people do that? 

Why would you crush some bodies confidence like that….

Is it just me?

Does this happen to others. 

Am I delusional about myself?

Am I really just that unloveable and ugly to the outside world……

And if I am why is that? Why can’t I be me? Why do I have to be this:

Am I so bad?

I try to tell myself yes but the entire world keeps telling me no……

Yesterday was awesome



So yesterday was our AMI inspection which went AMAAAAZZZIIIINNNNGGGG!!!! 

I got an Outstanding on our AMI inspection by Commander Rustie Hibberd. 

I got to Eat with him aswell!

I think I’m really starting to hit it off with WM!😍😍😍

 I didn’t have any class yesterday!

And it’s was all just overall perfect. I felt so happy an amazing but also super worn out. 

I don’t want to be at school today because I just feel terrible. I don’t want to be here but I can’t tell my parents this. They wouldn’t care at all. They’d just laugh and say “You’re going to school!” They don’t even care. 




And yet again I have found a completely accurate photo. 
When I was younger my dad would always get on to me. 

Be a leader not a follower!”

“You always care about what others think!” 

“Be different!”

“Tell the truth!”

I became a leader but not the kind he wanted. 

I don’t care about what others think but he’s constantly reminding me to. 

I grew up to be different and to him I’m weird and strange. I’m not the little girl he wanted I’m something strange and disappointing. The thing is I was able to soar before. I always used to draw. And I loved to sing. And read. 

I told the truth and all it ever got me was harsh words a physical abuse. 

But now…..

I haven’t drawn anything new and original in over a year. Whenever I sing I constantly question me myself. Heck I can’t even speak without feeling too loud and too obnoxious. 

Now all I have left is my music. My books. And my mind….

They took everything away. Questioned me to the point that my perfect reality became disillusioned and disenchanted. 

Parents try they’re best to do what they feel is right. And they think they know everything just because they’ve experienced it. But that’s not always true. Parents don’t know everything. They expect you to act like the perfect little child. All good grades. Never make any mistakes. Act like a mindless robot. 

Maybe if I’d had a normal family that was normally structured it’d be different. But I don’t. My dad is working himself into the dirt. Not getting enough sleep and just getting angrier and angrier. 

My stepmom is rude. 

My step siblings are ignorant and self centered. 

My own siblings are the same way. 

My mom is pretty normal I can admit that. 

But I’m not normal. I think there’s something wrong with me. But who can I tell? Who can I ask for help? What do I do? 

When handling it on my own doesn’t work who do I turn to?